Dear Breast Pump,
First off, happy 1 year anniversary! I honestly never thought we’d make it this far, and yet here we are. The last year has been crazy, and you were there through it all. I will never forget the day we first met. Really, it had less to do with you and more to do with the birth of my firstborn son, but you were there too. When I had to leave my baby and go back to my hospital room, you were there. And when I would have otherwise had the opportunity to sleep all night because my baby was far away in the NICU, you made sure I didn’t miss out on the brand new mom experience of waking up all night to “feed”.
You were there through it all. You hid with me behind curtains and in bathrooms in hospital rooms through the onslaught of doctors, nurses, hospital staff, friends, and family; under blankets while driving; in my sister-in-law’s basement and my brother-in-law’s garage; in various hospital parking lots during various surgeries. You have been there for many a blog post and virtually every Facebook “like” the last year. In fact, if it wasn’t for social media and smart phones, there is no way we would have survived this long.
You are my first waking thought in the morning and the last thing I do before bed. You are even there, waiting patiently, in the middle of the night, as well as every 3 hours all day long. Because of you my sweet baby went from a 3-lb 12-oz little chicken to a nearly 20-lb, 1 year-old chunky monkey.
Aw, who am I kidding? I hate your guts. I hated you the first time I met you and every time ever since. You are a blood-sucking, time-sucking milk-sucker.
Like any good decision, when considering our breakup I made a list of pros and cons.
Things I hate about you:
- You make me wake up at night (even if my baby is sleeping)
- So. Many. Dishes.
- You have taken up the majority of every nap time for the last year
- Which means “nap when baby naps” actually means “pump when baby naps, then lay down and try to fall asleep just as baby is waking up”
- Chafing. Enough said.
- It’s embarrassing when nurses comment on the amount/color/temperature of milk that just came from my boobs
- and I HAVE to ask them to put it away because I’m not ALLOWED in that fridge
- Which means I also have to ask for them to go get it, which can sometimes take WAY TOO LONG when my baby is hungry NOW
- People get weirded out looking in our fridge and freezer and seeing all our stored breast milk
- Leaving dinners, parties, church, family gatherings (even at my own house) etc., to find a place to discreetly pump. It’s not as easy as discreetly nursing a baby (not that I’d know from personal experience, just that I’ve seen people discreetly nurse and I’ve NEVER seen anyone discreetly pump. They are usually hiding in closets or bathrooms or in the car in the parking lot under a blanket.)
Things I don’t hate about you:
- Your sound is very soothing and I often use you solely as an expensive white noise machine
- That’s all
Yeah, I’ve hated you all along, but my sweet little man loves his special milk so I stuck with you for one. whole. year. You can’t spoil a baby, but I’m pretty sure you can spoil a 1-year old, and you can definitely spoil milk. And so after this week little man will be getting COWS MILK, from a cow who probably hates pumping as much as I do, poor lady. No time to worry about the heifer’s feelings though, I’ve got to go find a box for all my pump supplies…or maybe I’ll just use the trash. This exclusive pumping mamma is OUT.