This morning has been calm.
Holiday weekends in the hospital usually are.
I speak from experience, having been in the hospital for every major holiday since Thanksgiving!
Nate and Calvin slept in.
The nurses and Dr.s haven’t been in very much.
It’s just me and my thoughts this morning.
It’s all very symbolic and meaningful spending Easter here, waiting and watching, hoping my little baby breathes on his own again.
I’ve spent the last several months contemplating the Atonement of Christ, and trying to use it to find peace amid all these trials.
Each new disappointment brought new understanding of how to use the Atonement to obtain that peace.
In the few days before Calvin stopped breathing, I would just sit and watch him and worry and worry and worry. I worried myself crazy.
My only relief was when Nate got home.
I would pass Calvin off to him and say, “you watch him so I can take a break – you worry so I don’t have to.”
I trusted Nate so much that when I knew he was worrying I could step away and not worry at all –
not one little bit.
When Calvin was first intubated, I worried and worried.
I would sit and stare at the vent for hours – red wave after red wave (red waves = Calvin not breathing.)
I wasn’t allowed to hold him so I would sit by his bed hold his hand.
The only way I would leave him to eat, or sleep, or shower, was if Nate took my place worrying and watching.
When he was rolled off to surgery and neither of us could watch, all that was left to do was pray.
I realized that if I needed to trust the Lord with Calvin like I trust Nate –
I needed to let Him watch Calvin when I couldn’t.
I needed to let him worry about Calvin, so I could take a break – so I could have peace.
It’s more than just praying and asking for peace now.
We are in too deep, it’s too dark, I need more than that, it takes more than that.
It’s giving Him my worries, my cares, asking Him to carry them for me, handing over my stress, my anxiety, my sheer panic and fear.
And it’s trusting Him to take care of my baby when I can’t.
Trusting that whatever happens, it is for the best.
Trusting His plan for us.
I’ll never fully understand it – it is, after all, “The Infinite Atonement”.
But this Easter I am grateful for my Savior, for His sacrifice, for His perfect love –
His love for me, and his love for Calvin.