By Nathan Barney
You are in surgery right now. I felt so much love for you today. You were so cute after they gave you the versed. You talked a lot and let me see even more the sweet spirit I know you have. You seemed so relaxed and had nothing but kind words for everyone you passed. You told your parents that the nurses here are the best and that one of them had to wait 12 hours while her husband had brain surgery. You also kept telling me about your right leg being numb and your left OK. You wouldn’t believe when I said you asked for a popsicle either. Your smile was more beautiful than I have ever seen and it gave me comfort. Your kisses were amazing too!
They rolled you down to the OR where I said goodbye and I love you and watched you roll away past the red line (a little before noon). It was easier to be strong for you. I started to fight tears of worry, fear, and overwhelming love the second you rolled away. Then we walked back to your room and on to the family room. It was a long walk. In the family room my tears started to flow. I avoided your parents for a few minutes as they let people know you had gone back. I wiped my tears, put on my best brave face, and turned to face them. I lasted maybe 3 seconds before I broke down again. Your parents hugged me. They talked to me a sec, helped me settle down, and we went for lunch.
Lunch was fine, your dad asked questions that helped me get my mind away from the worry. Before and after lunch I plead with our Heavenly Father to watch over and be with you while I couldn’t. It gave me a new perspective for the phrase, “pleading with the Lord.” I love you so much.
I just got my second update. They just got to your uterus, it is out and they are trying to get Calvin into the right position for his surgery. I hope he behaves himself! They said you have been handling the anesthesia well and are sleeping! I hope so!! I love you so much.
At 1:25 pm I got another update. Calvin’s back is exposed and the neurosurgeon has begun the repair. They also said you are doing well. I started to pray then and thought about having many prayers so I quickly texted your family, my family, and a few friends. Then I said a quick prayer before my parents called. I spoke with them a minute or two before praying again for you, the baby, Dr. Handler, and everyone in the OR. Keep being strong, I love you.
I just got a call, your parents went to the wrong Ronald McDonald house. It’s 20 minutes away, your dad sounded stressed about it, hopefully they make it back soon, or if not it would be OK to have some time with just us. Alone at last.
1:47 pm – Tiffany (the nurse) said they are almost done with the repair of the defect. That is 22 minutes so far, with Calvin’s surgery. I hope to see Dr. Handler soon. She said Calvin’s heart rate has been doing well and you have too. I love you.
It is now 2:09, I have been nervous, praying and nervous. I just overheard some people in the hallway talking about you! They said they are working on closing the uterus. She told the other doc everything is going well. So much for HIPAA but I sure appreciated over hearing them talking!! I love you, be strong, you guys are almost done! I love you guys. Hopefully soon Dr. Handler will be out and tell me there was a good closure achieved!
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Well, it has been a few days. It is 12:45 am Christmas morning. You are sleeping. After the surgery Dr. Handler finally came out. He was with Dr. Crombleholme and Dr. Zaretsky. The three of them talked with your parents and me at the same time. The surgery went well. You did awesome. Calvin’s defect was bigger than they had originally thought, about L2-S5. They needed to use partial skin closure because the patch wasn’t big enough.
Sweetheart, you are amazing. It has been so hard watching you in so much pain, and so weak just to help our little boy. Your sacrifice is amazing, something I will probably never understand. But I have been grateful for the chance to serve you and take care of your every need without any other time constraint. I have felt my love for you grow exponentially over the last few days. My heart now aches at the thought of leaving you for the next few weeks. So badly I just want to stay at your side and make sure nothing happens to you. It was too hard watching them roll you into the OR. I don’t know how I will leave. You are so amazing. I am so happy I married you, I got so lucky.
I love you,